| Life as a routine |
[Jan. 11th, 2009|08:58 pm] |
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I really need something to kick start me back to living again. I need a reason to call friends and request their company. But being alone and waiting for them to call is so comfortable. But it leaves me uneasy inside and restless. Like I'm missing out on something. I HATE missing out on stuff. And then when people do ask me to come spend time with them or to hang, a new feeling of anxiousness washes over me. Like "how am I going to get there, how am I going to get home, what if being with them makes me feel uncomfortable..." I hate being old and wise. I'll never be happy if I can't just be happy living. I really need someone in my life to help me relax and tell me in a joking and loving way to "Stop thinking about things so much." and kiss me on my forehead, embrace me, and make me feel safe. Yeah... |
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| On the last day of 2008 |
[Jan. 1st, 2009|03:07 am] |
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The only many I've ever truly loved told me he loved me.... too bad he's married. |
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| It's what I do |
[Nov. 30th, 2008|10:12 pm] |
I was here, I posted, but decided to retract my post.
Things are great. I am great, abet a bit lonely with friends moving away and of course my never ending search for someone to share my happiness with. I'm looking forward to a potentially awesome 2009.
:) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2008|09:46 pm] |
I swear I'm not as crazy as that last entry may indicate.
Wow. That last entry was long. So much is going on in my life right now. Mostly good, a few bad, but honestly I would say for the last month and a half I've been nothing but purely happy.
Some of it involved trying to figure out how to manage my time. I'm still working on that. Things I'm neglecting are stuff like grocery shopping and cooking for myself. Which is stuff I'd like to do, but after an hour commute home, I just don't feel like stopping at the grocery store to buy things to make that night. Also cooking for just yourself is so boring. I want to find a guy who can cook. I want to find someone to share meals with :) I need to find time to find that guy. *sigh* I guess some things never change.
I have got to get my money under control. I need to find a more permanent job. The one I have could be extended and that would be nice, but finding a more permanent job, doing what I really want to be doing would be better.
I want to travel so bad, but I got an education instead. I ran up credit card debt instead. Not as much credit card debt that I'm in real trouble, but enough for it to be kinda unhealthy to have hanging over my head. So I'm trying to put away half my monthly income in my savings account and will probably have a good chunk of money in a month or two. If I finally secure a more secure job, then I have to decide to pay off my credit cards or go on a trip to New Zealand and pay off 1/3rd of my credit card debt.
The responsible L says to pay off my credit card debt. Esp. b/f my student loan payments come fully due. But there's another part of me that says "You will be in debt your entire life, so why not have some fun while you continue to pay it off?" I feel like if I paid off my credit cards, that would be cart blanche to run them up again. But as long as they are close to maxed out then I will avoid paying for stuff with them. It's like I've eliminated that temptation. Pretty wrong thinking huh? Or is it?....
I'm going home for a few days in Sept. I'm flying in and out of DC and renting a car so I can get around during that time. Oh did I mention I decided to go to my High School Reunion? Hells yeah. Life is good. |
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| smashed fingers = crying = longest post ever in a long time |
[Jul. 29th, 2008|08:22 pm] |
So today was an odd day, today I let my insanely busy life get to me. That's right my life is busy. Which is good, unless you are doing it to keep from feeling so fucking lonely. Seriously I've been making sure I have something to do all the time just so I don't have to spend any time alone. Working two jobs is also a part of that. But the money is good... or at least it was until I finally caved last night and looked at how much my student loan payments will be. That was the straw that broke this happy camel's back. Well that, hormones, poor sleep, and not enough food. Somehow I sabotaged my mental state today. And I broke down at BR. The bright side is that I had yet to step onto the sales floor.
I woke up this morning after a really bad night of sleep with the thought that I didn't want to go to my 2nd job today after my first job was over. But half the hassle of most of my mornings is deciding what to wear, so once I had a great outfit perfect for BR picked out I decided to go. I got to my first job (fyi I have a temp. full time design job that may get extended, but is totally below my creative talents and will surely kill my spirit if I stay), have an unusually stressful day, leave on time to make it to my 2nd job, get on BART and ride into the city. As I get off of BART I realize that my blood sugar levels are bottoming out. So I hurry to BR to heat up the chili I bought at lunch. By the time I start eating, I'm shaking so bad and none of what I'm eating (all crap mind you) is bringing up my sugar levels. So I decide to go to the Walgreens around the corner to get some OJ and some more crap/candy.
I walk into Walgreens and up to what I thought was the only drink fridge in the place and they don't seem to have any OJ! It's all soda and bottled water... nothing that would help. But then I spot one bottle that has "100%" juice on the label. I reach for the sliding glass door expecting it to be heavy as hell and slide with all my might. Turns out the door was broken so it was like sliding a glass door that is floating on air. BAM!!! My left index finger catches the brunt of the force between the two doors, so I yell "OUCH!" and jump back. The employees sitting just a few feet away don't acknowledge the fact that I may have just broken my finger on their fucking drink fridge. So I stand there in shock, not knowing what to do.
I turn around and there's another drink fridge full of OJ. I'm pretty dizzy and light headed at this point with the combo of low blood sugar and now the potentially broken finger. Somehow through the haze I manage to gather myself enough to open that fridge and grab some OJ. I'm really fighting the tears at this point. I then wonder around the store holding my hand trying to figure out if the finger tip is totally smashed or if I just really bruised the soft tissue. The tip wiggles like the tip of the bone is broke, but then that could just be normal. I'm afraid that if I don't say anything to anyone and it turns out that it is broken, how am I going to prove that their defective door is the reason for my broken finger so that I don't have to pay for it. Meanwhile I'm still shaking, dizzy, fighting tears and now looking at the candy in the candy aisle.
I finally determine that the finger tip is fine. I gather myself and some candy. Pay for it and walk out of the Walgreens.
But as I walk back to BR the tears keep coming back, I keep fighting them. But then real reasons to cry start popping up in my head and by the time I get back inside the employee area at BR I can't hold back the tears and I start SOBBING... uncontrollably. A co-worker standing near by walks up and start to rub my back and asks what's wrong... which makes me cry harder b/c there are so many things wrong I just don't want to talk about it. I say "I don't know why I'm crying...." Then reasonable L steps in and I say "I smashed my finger in a door at Walgreens." Which makes a lot more sense as to why I would be crying... sorta. Then I say through the sobbing and tears "My blood sugar dropped that's why I went to get some orange juice" and hold up the bottle of OJ. More sense... to a total stranger.
Other co-workers I know walk by and ask if I'm okay, I talk about my finger, and how silly it is I'm crying... but for some reason I... can't... stop ... crying. One of my co-workers who i have worked with for a long time asks me what time I'm suppose to work, and I say "6"... he looks at his watch and realizes I'm due on the floor right then... and obviously I can't make it at that moment... because I'm crying. So he tells me to wait where I was. He comes back and says that I won't get an occurrence for being late and to take as much time as I need to collect myself. So I sit, and cry, while other co-workers walk up to make sure I'm okay and to tell me to take my time. So I do.
After sitting, drinking my OJ, and crying quietly for a little while longer I think I have my shit together. But my face is all fucked up. So I stand up and walk down to the bathroom... then those bad thoughts start to creep back in my head b/c I know that people are going to ask what was wrong, and I was going to want to tell them, which would make me cry more... so I started to cry again when I got to the bathroom.
At that point I knew I couldn't go out on the sales floor, I just couldn't face people with my eyes all puffy and the sad feelings I had. So I walk to the nearest phone and try really hard to remember the extension to the women's new cashwrap, but just end up dialing the old one. Someone answers the phone. Thinking it was one of my fellow cashiers I'm still crying and blubber about how I can't come out to the floor. Then the person on the line is like "oh, let me transfer you to Rosie..." and I think "who's Rosie?"... then the person says "Oh this is _____ (name I don't recognize), let me just transfer you to Rosie." and the phone clicks and starts ringing again and Rosie a manager I've met once picks up. I cry into the phone "This is L___, a cashier, I can't come out to the floor." And she's asks kind of confused "Okay what time were you suppose to be here?" I say "Six... I'm here, I just can't come out to the floor" still crying. She then realizes she's talking to THE crying employee and says "Okay, I'll mark you off. Feel better." and I hang up and I hurry to my locker b/c i just want to get out of there. I avoid all eye contact b/c it will just set me off again. Check out with LP with my head low.
I put my hat on (thank god for having that) and walk out the door. Then the prospect of sitting on the fucking train crying just makes me cry harder. So I sit down in the employee entrance ally and turn on my phone. My friend H should be getting off work soon, if not that moment. So I call her, and thank God she answers. I burst into tears, "H, I'm crying and I just can't stop." then she asks the logical question "What's wrong?" I tell her about where I'm at, what happened, and how I just can't seem to stop crying. I tell her I don't want to ride the train, so she offers to come pick me up, which is exactly why I had called her. I apologized to her like a million times but I knew there was no way I could walk to the train alone and ride the train alone b/c all that aloneness would make me cry the whole time.
H, finally arrives and I get in her car. I apologize. I've stopped crying by this point... barely. She maneuvers through the traffic and we chat a bit about her day and a little more about mine. She tries to pry a little deeper as to why I couldn't stop crying... but when I try to talk about it, the tears well up behind my eyes. So I stop and tell her I can't talk about it. So we have a normal conversation about life.
My finger still throbbing, we arrive at my apartment. I give her a hug and say thanks for the millionth time. As I ascend the stairs of my building I pray for my roommates not to be home... but upon opening the door I'm thankful that they are because that means I really have to compose myself. One is sleeping on the couch, and the other is in his room messing around with something with his door mostly closed. I get a couple of cupcakes from this weekend's cupcake decorating party and head back to my room, shut the door, turn on the heater (It's freakin' July and I need a heater.. yeesh) and sit down at my computer. It's been awhile since I visited or posted on LJ... todays events seriously warranted a need to recount them here.
I don't care that I sound like a total wreck. I told H that I think I've just been too happy lately so it needed to balance out. I also said that it isn't helping things that I'm suppose to start my period in the next few days. I'm not totally the strong woman I think myself to be. I'm vulnerable sometimes. It just blows that today, I cracked at work.
I'm going to head to bed now. There's so much more to tell here... but this entry is long enough. Hopefully 9 hours of sleep will fix everything. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2008|12:29 pm] |
It's almost crazy how smart I can sound when I get cynical about the world around me. Now, why can't that ability transfer to when I talk about my work?
Yesterday was our school's portfolio review day and spring show. I got to sit on a stool behind a table with my work spread out in front of me 10 hours while industry professionals wondered around and judged my work. It was enlightening as well as intimidating. It's really hard to sit in a room with so much talent and get noticed. If I've said it once, I'll say it again, when it comes to comparing me to my fellow students, I produce sub-par work. Sub par in design aesthetic, but not in concept. Unfortunately I have yet to master the "pretty design" so people don't spend enough time with my work to really appreciate the concept part of it. Hopefully I can spend my first job really honing in on making my design "pretty" as well as learning better business etiquette. According to a lot of the people I talked to yesterday, the work produced by students at the Academy is really good compared to much of the work produced by other design programs. So I have to trust them on that one.
I really need to figure out what direction I want to take my design career in. Publishing or Branding? I like the idea of Design Strategy, but I talked to one guy about that and he just overwhelmed me with questions that I could probably answer if he had at least prefaced them with "If this project was a real world project...." instead he just asked blank questions like "Why did this project have to happen?" well of course honest/innocent me answered "well the assignment..." and he goes "No, why did this company need to be re-branded?" it really caught me off guard, but it also taught me that I'm not in the academic world anymore, but I'm now in the business world. I knew the answer, but due to the rapid fire of his questions, my head just spun and I felt like a complete idiot.
I'm thinking of posting an ad on craigslist asking for a "design mentor" someone who is willing to teach me how I'm suppose to act because just being me is not going to work... at least until I get a job.
Look I get it, companies want the most bang for their buck, so I don't blame them for not wanting to waste their time and money on someone who can't "bring it" right away. But where does that leave little old $125,000 in debt me? DESPERATE!!! Haha! Okay, I should get to doing something with myself besides sitting here bitching about life again.
The good news is I will at least have a job to help ease the financial crunch I've put myself in. Good old BR is going to let me come back. So that will help make the tiny bit of money I have left over stretch till I find a real job. And there's a good chance I'll stay on at BR just to supplement my income/ help pay off student loans. One of these days life will be fulfilling.... |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2008|11:53 pm] |
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Tonight I turn off my alarm clock, crawl into bed, put in the ear plugs (seriously the best way to get a good night sleep), shut out the rest of the world, and sleep. Tomorrow I wake up when I damn well please, well rested, and ready to conquer the world again. |
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| It's finally over |
[May. 8th, 2008|08:33 pm] |
And with a very anti-climatic ending, I have passed my final thesis review. Basically this was my plan of attack, just go in there with a shit ton of stuff and they'll be so overwhelmed they'll have to pass you. And that plan of attack won... in fact it went over so well, they didn't touch like half the stuff that I brought in.... so it was well worth the hours and hours I spent on the project and not to mention the money. I know my presentation blew... I saw the look on their faces as I tried to explain why I took on the topic of childhood obesity, kinda glazed over... so I just went straight to the point and talked about the stuff in front of them. Didn't do it quite as eloquently as I had hoped, but that's the theme developing in my life... good enough to get by, but not as good as I wanted to. I'm starting to realize it's difficult to get people to believe in you and your ideas if you are constantly beating yourself up. But that's easy to say now that I've reached the pinnacle of my academic career and passed.
Let's see, what's on the horizon for me now... job, job, job, publish Simon, find future husband, have children, raise them right, retire, travel, have fun with my kid's kids, die. Yeah, that sounds about right. I need to get on that..... soon though, soon. |
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